There’s this old episode from Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra (Ray’s wife) is scolding their daughter, Ally, because she ripped her brother’s giraffe. When Ray walks into the house, and sees that they’re fighting, he runs to the scene with joy exclaiming, “Oh great!”
“This is Michael’s giraffe and he’s crying, so why did you do it?” says Debra.
Ally responds back, with folded arms, and pursed lips, “Because!”
Debra then says, “Because is not an answer!”
It’s at this point, that Ray responds with, “Active listening. It works. I use it on the worst kids in the neighborhood!”
While the live audience is chuckling to themselves, Ray then goes on to coach his wife—in real time, while she’s trying to talk to Ally—by telling her how she needs to reflect back instead of accuse, while also be accepting, instead of judgmental.
Saying Versus Hearing
Active listening is one of those things that is often made fun of because it seems so elementary and basic. “Why should I repeat back exactly what the other person said? They heard themselves and so did I!” This is one of the common objections that people share while learning the skills of active listening. However, the fact of the matter is, just because something is said, doesn’t mean that we all hear it the same way.
We see this most with children—they are the best at selective listening. For example, we might say, “Go and clean up your room, before we get ice cream,” but they probably heard, “Blah, blah, blah, ice cream.” It’s reminiscent of Charlie Brown’s teacher, isn’t it? Or how about in meetings when someone is rattling off information that doesn’t relate at all with your area—how often do you remember what they say?
Most of us are better at selective listening, than we are at active listening…hence this article.
Active listening is about being fully attentive to the other person during a conversation. While it might require you to verbally reflect back what the person just said—“If I heard you correctly, you are trying to say…”—oftentimes you can convey that you’re listening with your body language as well.
After all, 93 percent of communication is “non-verbal” in nature, according to a UCLA study conducted by Dr. Mehrabian.
SOLER
Gerard Egan developed something called the SOLER theory in 1986 to easily describe the non-verbal techniques required for active listening. He defines SOLER as “micro-skills” that allow you to convey to the other party that you care for them and are present, without using words.
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