“Studies say four minutes of uninterrupted eye contact increases intimacy.”
So we did it. For four minutes, Christina and I looked into each other’s eyes…and it went a lot better than the first time I did it with someone else.
This someone else was a complete stranger—okay, maybe he wasn’t a complete stranger since I had met him a couple hours ago at a conference we were a part of—but that’s how it felt. And yes, it was incredibly awkward and I don’t recommend it, but I had no choice. At least he wasn’t a she. I couldn’t imagine doing this exercise with a woman who wasn’t my wife.
Nevertheless, after having gone through that deathly awkward experience where I felt inappropriately vulnerable with this stranger, I was interested to see how it would feel to do this exercise with my wife.
And I’m not being sarcastic here. I was actually excited to do this with my wife because I wanted to see what would happen. I was curious to see what I would feel and think during those four minutes of silence.
So we did it. For four minutes, we looked at each other in the eyes and here’s what I realized.
I don’t need other people to see me because I am already seen.
When Christina was looking at me in the eyes, I realized that it wasn’t because of anything I was doing. I wasn’t performing. I wasn’t speaking. I wasn’t podcasting. I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t teaching. I wasn’t leading.
I wasn’t doing anything—yet I was seen.
And for someone who is a 3 on the Enneagram, this was HUGE.
If you’re unfamiliar with the Enneagram, check out this episode, or download this free eBook that we created on the Enneagram and gifts.
Nothing I did or didn’t do (or have or haven’t done) changed anything about those four minutes—she simply saw me as Daniel Sangi Im. Not Daniel the pastor, the author, the father, the _____. No, none of that. It was just Daniel Sangi Im.
When she gave me her undivided attention—that I had done nothing to earn—it was an incredibly freeing and vulnerable experience. It was freeing because my default tendency is to prove myself and earn my worth. It was vulnerable because I didn’t do anything to deserve it, yet it was generously given. But most of all, the way she looked at me was a beautiful reflection of God’s love, care, and attention on each and every one of us.
What fame is
Recently, on the 5LQ Podcast that I co-host with Todd Adkins, we interviewed J.D. Greear about life and leadership. About mid-way through the episode, he dropped one of the most profound quotes on fame that I’ve ever come across. It’s probably at the same level of Eugene Peterson’s letter to Christian celebrities here. He was quoting his wife, Veronica, “Fame is making yourself accessible to a bunch of people you don’t really care about at the expense of those you do.”
Anyone else guilty of that? Of chasing the platform? Of trying to do great things for God?
I do what I do because my life is not my own. Both Christina and I have always said that our life motto is, “Here we are Lord, send us.” We want to be about God’s kingdom and not our own.
However, somewhere along the way, there’s a pernicious trap that seems to ensnare leaders over and over again.
In living a life of service, we begin neglecting the ones who matter the most to us for the sake of the gospel. For the sake of this higher calling, we justify to ourselves that it’s okay to put in a couple extra hours, to go on that extra trip, and to say yes to another commitment. We say to ourselves, “If I’m doing God’s work, won’t he take care of my family?”
And while that is true that God will take care of your family, the fact is, you’re the only husband to your wife, or wife to your husband. And you’re the only dad to your children, or mom to your kids. Yes, God is their heavenly father, but he wants to work through you!
And that’s why, when Christina looked at me straight in the eyes, I realized that I don’t need to achieve or do more to impress Christina and my kids. I’m accepted just as I am. How much truer is this for each and everyone of us before God?
So if “fame is making yourself accessible to a bunch of people you don’t really care about at the expense of those you do,” what are you going to do differently this week?
How do your priorities need to shift?