There’s this old episode from Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra (Ray’s wife) is scolding their daughter, Ally, because she ripped her brother’s giraffe. When Ray walks into the house, and sees that they’re fighting, he runs to the scene with joy exclaiming, “Oh great!”
“This is Michael’s giraffe and he’s crying, so why did you do it?” says Debra.
Ally responds back, with folded arms, and pursed lips, “Because!”
Debra then says, “Because is not an answer!”
It’s at this point, that Ray responds with, “Active listening. It works. I use it on the worst kids in the neighborhood!”
While the live audience is chuckling to themselves, Ray then goes on to coach his wife—in real time, while she’s trying to talk to Ally—by telling her how she needs to reflect back instead of accuse, while also be accepting, instead of judgmental.
Saying Versus Hearing
Active listening is one of those things that is often made fun of because it seems so elementary and basic. “Why should I repeat back exactly what the other person said? They heard themselves and so did I!” This is one of the common objections that people share while learning the skills of active listening. However, the fact of the matter is, just because something is said, doesn’t mean that we all hear it the same way.
We see this most with children—they are the best at selective listening. For example, we might say, “Go and clean up your room, before we get ice cream,” but they probably heard, “Blah, blah, blah, ice cream.” It’s reminiscent of Charlie Brown’s teacher, isn’t it? Or how about in meetings when someone is rattling off information that doesn’t relate at all with your area—how often do you remember what they say?
Most of us are better at selective listening, than we are at active listening…hence this article.
Active listening is about being fully attentive to the other person during a conversation. While it might require you to verbally reflect back what the person just said—“If I heard you correctly, you are trying to say…”—oftentimes you can convey that you’re listening with your body language as well.
After all, 93 percent of communication is “non-verbal” in nature, according to a UCLA study conducted by Dr. Mehrabian.
SOLER
Gerard Egan developed something called the SOLER theory in 1986 to easily describe the non-verbal techniques required for active listening. He defines SOLER as “micro-skills” that allow you to convey to the other party that you care for them and are present, without using words.
S – Sit up straight
- Face the person squarely, rather than sitting to the side or slouching back.
O – Open your body posture
- Don’t cross your arms because this often connotes that you’re closed or skeptical of the other person’s opinion.
L – Lean forward slightly in your chair
- Leaning forward during serious moments or moments of self-disclosure can express trust and confidence.
E – Eye Contact
- Eye contact means something different in every culture. For example, in many Eastern cultures, eye contact is considered a challenge to authority, or an intimate gesture. So use this one accordingly.
R – Relax
- Be relaxed in your mannerisms and be cognizant of your facial expressions while the other person is talking.
In essence, active listening is quite simple because it can be reduced down to these four things:
- Put down your phone
- Talk less
- Listen more
- Ask questions
Now what is Two-Ear Active Listening, as indicated by the title of this article?
I came up with this phrase, Two-Ear Active Listening because leading and discipling others is not as simple as listening and responding with our opinions.
If we truly want to lead, disciple, mentor, coach, and care for others, this requires one ear open to them, and the other ear open to the Holy Spirit.
As a result, whenever I’m in a conversation with another person, I’m always prayerfully asking God for His wisdom and His words. I’m constantly looking for phrases that stick out, or expressions that seem off or different. I’m asking God to speak to me and through me, so that I can be a blessing to others and be a tool for God to use.
So there you go. Try it this week. Next time you’re in a conversation with another person, employ the SOLER skills, while keeping an ear open to what the Holy Spirit might want to say to you and through you.